Recently I went on a three-day silent meditation retreat. No talking, no communicating in any way, no reading, no writing – that is all part of noble silence taught in Buddhism. I loved not talking – no chit chat or small talk over meals; no explaining myself or talking about myself; no being bombarded with the noise of 100 voices talking at once in the dining hall – just silence. No cell phones, iPads, or laptops. There were teachings and guided meditations over the course of those three days. (Yes, the leader of the retreat was allowed to speak). The one teaching I remembered best was around accepting the moment just as it is. Or more cleverly stated “Are you arguing with reality?”

All of us do it. We all find ourselves asking, “Why is this happening to me?” or saying, “I don’t like it – I want something different.”  These are common arguments with reality. As author Byron Katie states, “When we argue with reality, we lose the argument 100% of the time.” Think about it – when we argue with reality, we are denying what is. Do you argue the fact that the sun comes up every day, and that the earth rotates around the sun? No, because that is a part of reality that we have come to accept as truth. Our day-to-day realities, especially the unpleasant ones, are often harder to accept. When you hear yourself saying, “This shouldn’t be happening”, or “I wish they would be nicer/more patient/ more loving (insert your own word)” then you are arguing with reality. When we don’t accept our reality, we are refusing to accept the truth of what is in the present moment. The harder we push that truth away, the more resistance we cause and the greater pain and suffering we create.

For example, you lose your job, or you go through a romantic break up. No doubt you’re feeling hurt, pissed off, even depressed. But the thing is, it is your new reality, and the sooner you can accept it the sooner you can move through it. Once you stop resisting (arguing) you can respond from a place of greater calm. Acceptance allows you to go along with whatever is happening in your life, also known as “going with the flow.”

There is an ancient Chinese story told by a wise Taoist philosopher: Three men were standing on a bridge overlooking an extremely rough and stormy river. They were watching as another man, below in the river, was being tossed about in the wild, turbulent river waters. It seemed impossible that he could survive. The three men went down to the river’s edge to try to rescue him. When they got there the man was casually stepping out of the river. The three men could not believe that the man from the river had survived! The man from the river smiled and explained that he learned from early on to go with the flow. He went down with the water, and he came up with the water. He followed the movement of the water and forgot himself. He survived because he didn’t struggle against the water’s superior power.

Reality is our life’s superior power – the ups and the downs, the gifts and the challenges, the joys, and the sorrows. It all makes up the fabric of life. We can’t change our reality but we can learn to engage with it in a different way, accept it for what it is. When we say “no” to our reality, we miss out on a lot of life. If we hang on to only the good things in our lives and push away the unpleasant things, then we rob ourselves of the full experience of life.

Life circumstances change constantly. We can be fully alive in a world full of changes. When we stop resisting, contracting, and closing ourselves off to our reality, then we can open ourselves up to all of life.

The next time you feel you are entering into another argument with reality, stop a minute. Perhaps you are sitting in a traffic jam. You are already running late for an important appointment when you feel the argument coming on “Nooo! This can’t be happening, I’m already late!” The frustration builds, your blood pressure rises, your hands clench tightly around the steering wheel, the furrowed line between your eyebrows grows deeper. Yet it is what is happening. Consider not arguing, but rather sitting with it for a minute or two. Try to see it for what it is and to accept it as it is. Because ultimately, it is your reality now. Once you stop the arguing, you can then decide how you want to respond. When we stop the arguing and begin to accept our reality, we can then fully live in the flow of life.